Anaïs Nin, from Henry and June: From “A Journal of Love,” The Unexpurgated Diary (1931-1932) of Anaïs Nin
Text ID: I am finished with myself, with my sacrifices and my pity, with what chains me. I am going to make a new beginning. I want passion and pleasure and noise and drunkenness and all evil.
im shocking myself i wont lie
okay this one is better even tho my hair is frizzy. 😘 im going to teach all my friends shota and we will practice for my wedding. 11:11♥️
this dress is supposed to look better on me but we make do.
none of this will be in vain. i’ll have what’s mine. i’ll live my life, i will be happy. i will be free. all the love i gave you, i’ll get it back. whether it’s from you or someone else, it doesn’t matter. this world is mine. i choose my path… i choose the door i open. and if you’re there, you will be at your best.
i can’t carry this anymore, matthew. i dont know what this is anymore. but youre hurting me very bad. whether you mean to or not. i know youre confused about a lot of things. but i tried to help clear it for you. maybe i shouldn’t have, i know i didn’t have to. but i meant every word i said. my love is free, i don’t expect you to give it back. but i did expect you to respect me. look me in the eye. but then you’d just keep lying about how you truly feel about me, right? like i cant feel it still. like it hasnt driven me crazy. no matter how much you stifle it, ignore it, push it to the side, confuse it. i see clear.
i can forgive you for all the times you hurt me, for your cowardice, for invading my privacy. but for making me doubt myself. im not sure i can forgive you for that. i’ve never seen someone’s desires contradict their actions entirely. it feels like a fucking joke. i just want to believe in what i see, plain as day. but everything else keeps screaming at me.
i dont deserve to suffer anymore. once i have the strength, im cutting you off clean.
i feel the roles reversing. i feel everything changing. it’s scaring me.
i wish you understood my position. my pain. so you’d know why i do what i do.
more than anything, i want you to be happy and okay. i mean it. i meant every word i said. but you’re dragging me down, man. i have so much to offer & give… what am i doing here? is it fate? it feels like fate, and i dont feel like i can run.
i cant see the end of this. and i want out. so bad. i want a new story. i want to heal. i’ll get my strength back, and i’ll walk away for good.
